Like it or not, doctors tend to say stuff about people. Its not necessarily bad, nor is it necessarily good.
But we tend to do that sometimes.
I mean, it IS kinda hard to state that a patient might die soon and expect a lovely reaction from the relatives, so previously some doctors found it appropriate to document “CTD” (Circling the drain) as note to any oncoming doctors to keep that in mind. This was more common in the UK.
An emergency medicine favourite in Kuwait, and OH-SO-ANNOYING to hear by paramedics and nurses when bringing in a patient to the ED is the beloved “HYS” (meant to stand for Hysterical Attack). Ive actually seen this documented by nurses on the admission board at times!
Paramedics running in with a patient on a trolley screaming “ECH WHY ESS! ECH WHY ESS!” like old ladies at a sales in a department store. Since when is a hysterical attack grounds for admission to hospital?
(Important Note: This was mostly a practice in the old days, when patients didnt have access to their records. Also, presently patients can sue if some of this information was made to come to light. It is also generally accepted to be unethical. This only made them more frequent in oral conversations rather than documentation.)
TTFO (Told To F**k Off) was once cited on a patients chart. When the doctor was asked to explain what that meant, his quick wit saved him by saying “To Take Fluids Orally”
Aaaah funny, anyway heres are some of the oldies and goldies from around the world, as well as some used in Kuwait:
Patients and Relatives
- GLM – Good Looking Mum
- FLK – Funny Looking Kid
- GPO – Good for Parts Only
- Coffin Dodger – Survived against expectations
- TEETH – Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
- UBI – Unexplained Beer Injury
- TTR – Tea Time Review (of a patient)
- SIG – Stroppy Ignorant Girl
- AAA (triple A) – Meaning the sound of “AY AY AY !!” usually made by a woman who cant handle even the smallest amount of pain.
- DQ – Drama Queen
- Acute Pneumoencephalopathy – Airhead
- ADR – Aint Doin’ Right
- MGM Syndrome – Faking illness
- Butt Syndrome – When a needle goes into a butt straight, comes out curved.
- Double Whopper with Cheese – Obese female with vaginal Thrush
- Double Whopper with Ketchup – Obese female with vaginal bleeding
- Double Whopper with Mayo – Obese female with vaginal discharge
- Code Red – Blood
- Code Yellow – Urinary incontinence
- Code Brown – Faecal incontinence
- Code Pink – Homosexual
- LOBNH – Lights On But Nobody Home
- CNS-QNS – Central Nervous System – Quantity Not Sufficient
- Pumpkin Positive Sign – Shining a light into a patients mouth would encounter a brain so small the whole head lights up
- Dirt Bag Index – Multiply the number of tattoos with the number of missing teeth to give an estimate on the number of days since last bath
- TITFO – Told To F**k Off
- PRATFO – Patient Reassured And Told To F**k Off
- FOS – Full Of Shit
- PFO – Patient Fell Over
- PGT – Patient Got Thumped
- Acute Gravity Attack – Patient Fell
- Digging For Worms – Varicose vein surgery
- Donorcycle – slang for Motorcycle, since most patients coming in have a higher chance of death and thus donating their organs.
- GOMER – Get Out Of My Emergency Room (For patients who present with a non emergency condition. 70% of Kuwait)
- BounceBack – A patient coming back with the exact same complaints as he previously had.
- Acute Lead Poisoning – Gunshot
- Ass Grapes – Strangulated Haemorrhoids
- Dose of I dont care – Medication that makes patient light headed
- Dose of I dont remember – Medication that leaves the patient of no recollection of a procedure
- Doughnut – Ct Scanner
- Bottle Return – Removing bottle from anal canal (ass)
- Foreverectomy – Surgical procedure lasting a long
- Gutts and Butts – General Surgery ward
- Knife Happy – Over enthusiastic surgeon
- Departure Lounge – Geriatric ward
- LOL – Little Old Lady
- Ash Cash – Money received from signing a cremation form
- Handbag Positive Sign – confused (elderly) patient lying on hospital bed clutching their handbag
- The O Sign – Patient becoming very sick, lying in bed with their mouth open.
- The Q Sign – Patient further deteriorating, now with their tongue hanging out, being terminal at this stage.
- Rheumaholiday / Dermaholiday
- Freud Squad – Psychiatrists
- Gassers – Anaesthetists
- Slashers – Surgeons
- Baby Catcher – Obstetrician
- Neuron – Neurologist
- Molar Masher – Dentist
- Overpriced Carpenter – Orthopaedic surgeon
- Pee Pee Docs – Urology
- Pit – Emergency Room
- Witch Doctor – Specialist in Internal medicine
- Captain Kangaroo – Chairman of Paediatrics
- Vampires – Those who take blood from patients
- Rear Admiral – Proctologists
- Shotgunning – Ordering EVERY test in hopes of finding something to show us whats wrong with the patient.
- Black Cloud – Doctor who attracts unusual amount of difficult cases and Code Blues.